life... specificness is not my thing
i'm simply blogging about my views... what i think what i know... what i wish i knew... my life?
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broken. who am i supposed to be, or is that who i am? August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 
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what do you do when everything goes wrong.... it doesnt even have to be a big thing. i can handle those, but what about when every miniscule thing that you can possibly imagine comes crashing down into a field of brokeness? broken familys, broken dreams, broken lives ripped at seams, broken future, broken past, broken love, it didnt last. broken. i cant even describe how broken feels... its almost as though someone has ripped away all that you loved and replaced it with shards of glass that cut deeper then the bleeding emptyness that your world was ripped from. it leavs you wanting to hope, but you stop yourself because that hope will only get your hope up, then when reality strikes, it pushes your hope farther down then it would have fallen if it didnt get so high. it leaves you longing for an answer that never even belonged to a question. it leaves you looking for a way out that you knew was never there, but you still look anyways thinking that, "maybe, if im good enough, i will be taken from this place of emptyness." but then you relize that no one will come to save you, because no one even relized that you were missing. that does it. you cant stand that pain of knowing that theres love out there, and you cant have it. you cant have it cause no one took the time to give it to you. love is not something that you can have for yourself, not something you can take... the only way to get it, is if someone gives it to you. because no one gives it to you, you begin to compromise yourself so that they will acceppt you and amybe, just maybe, give you one tiny glimpse of love that you would give anything if not everything to see...... and yourself is lost because you left it all alone in that broken field of emptyness. you miss who you were so much that you want to go back and retrieve yourself, but you dont because you dont think its worth bieng who you are with out love, as opposed to bieng who your not, with love for something that wasnt even you to begin with.
augh, there's so much that i want to do, so much that i want to become. have you ever been afraid to be who you want to be, because your afraid your not good enough to be who you really are? i feel i can make great changes if i spoke up. the only problem i have with that is opening my mouth. i know what i am capable of, but why am i so scared to do what i know i can? i'm so confused about who i am supposed to be, or am i supposed to be who i am. i feel like there's this incredible person inside me who can do great things, but i can't find a way to let her out.... i dont even know if that incredible person is me... or just who i wish i was. i am so weak. so confused. so lost. what is wrong with the girl i see in the mirror, because apparantly to all my friends i'm so confident... if that is true then why do i feel like such a coward? that girl who is inside me is screaming, she wants out. i think i know what i need to do to free her, but that brings me back to me fear. what if i let her out and she fails. i am responsible. what if i don't let her out and that spirit she has dies? i am responsible.
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