This letter is for my oldest daughter.  She will never read it though.  I am blogging to unload all of the emotions I have spilling out of my heart.

To my first born.  The moment I held you in my arms, I knew that I could never feel a love like I felt at that moment.  When I look at you I still feel that love.  I am so wrought with emotion lately due to the changes that you are going through. I went through the same things that you are going through, but I didn't have parents or anybody for that matter to talk to.  You do though and I am not fully understanding why you don't think that we understand.   Probably because we are your parents and you are a teenager.  We are giving you space to grow, to learn from your mistakes.  We have guided you and taught you right from wrong.  We have given you advice and have taught you our morals and values.  What you take from that is your choice.  It breaks my heart to think that you may choose to make so many of the same mistakes that I did and I can't do anything about it.   Pray.  Pray.  Pray.....and of course, pray some more.  I have faith that God will look out for you and hear you when you call on Him.  I pray that you choose to call on Him daily.  Life is going to throw you some trials, regardless of your faith, but being held by your Heavenly Father will make those trials fade a little easier.  I love you and will always love you unconditionally.  We will always tell you the truth about choices and consequences from those choices.  But you are going to be doing the choosing.  All we can do is have our arms open when you need us.  Know that we are here for you........always. 

Driving, getting married, fishing, hunting, practicing medicine.....what do these things have in common?  You need a license!  But when it comes to parenting a human from age zero until they are off on their own, (parenting doesn't stop then, the dinamics just change) one doesn't need any type of training!  Parenting is THEE one thing in my life that changes daily.  It is on the job training at it's best.

After almost 17 years "on the job", I feel like a new employee.  I desperately need to find an older, wiser "employee" who can give me some pointers!  HELP!!!!!!!!

It is the last day of October and the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness month.  This brings me to tell you about something that I went through at the beginning of the month. 

I went in for my yearly exam/physical and my physician ordered lab work and a yearly mammogram, (which I have been having since I turned 40).  My mammagram came back "suspicious"; therefore, I was sent to have an ultrasound.  The ultrasound came back "suspicious" so my physician ordered a biopsy.  I am usually thick skinned when it comes to medical issues, beings I used to work in the medical field; however, I have to admit that I was extremly frightened at the thought of the "C" word........CANCER!  I knew why my mind was realing... Three years ago to the day that the doctors office called me with the results, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy.

I waited 3 days for the results, and during those 3 days, I looked back on my 44 years on earth and knew that everything was going to be alright.  Initially, the fear  that I had was overwhelming, but after a great deal of prayer,  I knew that God was and always has been in control and He wouldn't put me through more than I could handle.  

The results came back benign and just experiencing the fear I had made me change my attitude about life.  I look at life differenly.  I have always tried to be "in the moment"; however, something within me woke up and now I am more aware of the blessings I have and donot take anything for granted. 

To all of the women out there that have put off having a mammogram...please be proactive and call your doctor for an appointment.  It IS better to be safe than sorry.

My husband and I returned from bible study last night to find all of the YES ON PROP. 8 signs gone from our neighborhood lawns.  There were 4 or 5 on our street.   There is also some NO ON PROP. 8 signs  in our neighborhood; however, those were NOT removed.  Not hard to figure out who stole the signs! I completely understand that this issue is important to both sides of this proposition.  Agree to disagree, but don't come onto private property and remove a sign.  This only shows social immaturity and ignorance!

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you disagree?  I found out recently that some people draw a line in the sand as soon as you disagree with them.  This tends to leave an awkward silence; thus resulting in the changing of the mood and of the subject.

Wether it be a conversation about a favorite movie or something touchy as politics, I have encountered peoples attitudes change as soon as I disagree with their opinion.  Key word is opinion.   Everyone has an opinion, but everyone does not have the social maturity to be able to process any other opinion but there own.

In order to sustain a healthy relationship, be it personal, family or business.  One needs to be able to listen and hear the other persons thoughts and opinions in order to get a clear understanding of the other persons beliefs or ideas.  

One may not necessarily agree, but to automatically put up a wall and draw a line in the sand is only showing an extremely closed mind.  Of course, that is only my opinon. 

I was laying in bed last night trying to get to sleep, when I started thinking about how our youngest daughter seems to remember things from when she was two years old, or has she heard us speak of different  circumstances and then thinks that they are her own memories? 

I know for a fact that the first memory I have is from 1968, I was 5 years old living on 7th street in Grover City, Ca. (renamed Grover Beach to increase tourism...I guess it worked?)  Anyway, our oldest daughter seems to remember when she was four years old going to the thrift shop with my mom.   She also remembers being in a church play around the same age.  Okay, realistic, but having a memory at two?  Is this possible? 

I don't know about you, but my childhood was not the most positive, but then again, who had the perfect childhood?   I know I blocked out alot of yelling but also remember alot of it too, but therapy has helped me to be "okay".......at least that's what I tell myself! 

So, I would like to ask all of you readers:  At what age do you honestly remember something significant?   Be honest now, is it your memory or are you borrowing it?

I tell our daughters that the only person they have full control of is themselves and that the choices that they make will ultimately have consequences, they may not see those consequences right away, but will in time...............In God's time.

I am turning 45 years old in 3 months and 3 weeks, just in case somebody wanted to send me a card, and I am finally at a point in my life where I am enjoying learning from my mishaps...and Lord knows I have many! 

Every single day I learn something new about life and my desire is to share my new found life experiences/moments with my family...it's just getting their full attention that I need help with.  :0) 

I blog here at the Northwest Voice to do the same thing...hopefully people see that whatever I write, I write with all of my heart and do not do so just to be typing, but to share a part of myself with people that I may never meet and maybe, just maybe, something I write will help somebody with a similar situation or make somebody say, "Hmmm, I never thought of it that way!" or maybe give you a chuckle....whatever the case, I am enjoying my time..........In His time.................

It's already July 15, 2008..............where has the summer gone?  Three weeks of summer school, 5 days of vacation bible school, 10 days of vacation with my family, 5 days of church camp...upcoming:  5+ days of performing arts camp at our church and finally...another vacation with my family for a full 7 days............much needed!

I feel extremely drained, physically, emotionally and for some reason spiritually.  Our Senior Pastor of Christ Church of the Valley, Michael Foutz, preached on "religion" and the perils of churches focusing too much on being religious rather than having the personal relationship with God.  That has been heavy on my heart for many months! 

I want so  badly to live my life according to how God wants me to live and I feel like I have been busy with the "stuff" that is interfering with me finding a sincere inner peace.   I pray earnestly that God will show me what He wants me/our family to do, rather than what our needs are.

I will be still and wait for His calling and until then, I am going to slow down and listen....something that we believers tend to have a hard time doing.  Being busy doesn't get us closer to heaven, our hearts are what God wants, not a busy day planner.

What happened this weekend that people forgot their social manners and maturity for that matter.  On two separate occasions in the Northwest Promonade, I was witness to the same type of behavior that is inexcusable...rudeness and downright social immaturity.  I could not believe it when a grown woman repeatedly bounced in a booth to make it uncomfortable for me.  On the third time, I turned around and said, "This is not funny", while they laughed.  We left shortly after that; however, the woman and her daughter continued to laugh and stare as we walked out.  I prayed for them that there hearts would be softened.

Today, we were leaving Walmart for our monthly birdseed purchase, (I could be called the bird lady due to all of the birds we feed in our backyard).  Anyway, as we were getting into our car we heard yelling and cussing.  A grown woman (no, not the same one from the booth) was yelling at a man in a truck while a younger woman in her 20's was yelling out the back window.   Foul language and social immaturiy go hand in hand, but this took the cake.  I so wished I had my video camera to You Tube it, but then again, they would probably find out where I lived and stalk me or sue me for pain and suffering or something else their attorney would congure up.  Again, I prayed for these people that there hearts would be softend.

My husband and I had a conversation about these two incidents and I told him that I felt that we are living in a society where people are "excusing" such behavior and just going on there own way......am I right?  I am a strong believer that treating people how you would want to be treated is on the top ten of positive social behavior, but what is happening?  Is it just me?  Is there somewhere where people truly treat one another properly?????  Oh yeah........................Heaven!

Our eldest daughter just received her driving permit.  My husband and I each took her, at different times, to our church parking lot to let her get used to being behind the wheel.  My husband was giving her tips on the three point turn and  parellel parking; whereas, I was giving her advice on not looking in the mirror while driving, not looking nervous while driving and my favorite driving advice...the proper driving waves.  How to give people the thank you wave, hello wave, go ahead wave and what are you thinking "wave"......well not so much. 

On a serious note, I got out of the car at one point of our "driving instruction" and had her drive by herself, (praying each second, of course) and as I watched her drive off I realized that this moment will never come again.  This moment of watching my daughter drive off right before my eyes will forever be in my mind. 

She will be a junior next year and I can still remember watching her on her first day of kindergarten.  Oh how the years go by!  Cherish  each moment....... they will vanish right before your eyes.