Hey, Dad - Hey, Dad - HeyDad's Blog - The Bakersfield Voice

Apr 5, 2008 at 07:04 AM : Dear readers, I got...

Dear readers,

I got the following email last Friday from a lady named Teresa. It is a wonderful letter to kick off my new column, “Hey, Dad”. I asked Teresa and she gave me permission to post it here for all to read. Enjoy.

Apr 5, 2008 at 07:04 AM : Hey, Dad...

Hey, Dad

What a treat this will be! However, it is also a huge responsibility as I expect nothing but the very best from a "Dad". My own Dad lived to be 89, never complained though he endured chronic back pain for more than 38 years. His humorous wit would really make you think, "I heard what he said, (usually it was funny) but was there some deeper meaning in that just for me?" Dad's moved on now to those 'Streets of Gold' and I'm sure he's having a grand time, but I miss him every day. So, if you don't mind, I have some questions about perplexing things in life. How do you decide what it is in life that you're meant to do? Your purpose on Earth in God's Big Plan? This question isn't just for High School grads, or College grads, or people just starting out in life - it's also pertinent to those of us who find themselves at some crossroads, wondering which road to take when all the choices seem equally good! I know NOT to choose the 'bad' things, but how do you choose from several 'good' things? I'll be waiting for your sage reply.

Teresa

Here's a "Jim-ism" for you, "When cheerfulness is kept up on principal, against all odds, it is the finest form of courage".

Apr 5, 2008 at 07:04 AM : Dear Teresa,...

Dear Teresa,

Thank you so much for writing, you will forever be remembered as my “first”.

What a great philosophical question. Sounds like you had a great Dad. Life is full of choices. Every road and highway in this country will get you where you want to go, but the problem is we never know where we will end up. I have often looked back and wondered where I would be if I had taken that other job, or married that other woman, or was born in that other country. Don’t worry about what God’s big plan is for your life, you are already in His plan and you are right where He wants you. Just love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength and He will guide you all of your days. Life has speed bumps, and straight-a-ways, enjoy every minute of it. Just like a bowl of spaghetti, your life will take you in many directions and touch many lives. Keep your goals in mind, choose wisely, love others and be a positive influence on as many people as you can. The rest will take care of itself.

Take care,

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Apr 8, 2008 at 10:04 PM : Thank you,...

Thank you, Dwayne. You are awesome!

~Dana

Apr 9, 2008 at 04:04 PM : Thank you, Dana, You...

Thank you, Dana, You are awesome too. I have had many great comments about this column and the Northwest Voice. I would like to encourage all of our readers who ever wanted to ask your Dad a question but never got around to it, to join in this column and let's discuss it. I look forward to hearing from you.

Dad

Apr 14, 2008 at 11:04 AM : We will be...

We will be printing your first column in the next issue, Dad. :)

Apr 14, 2008 at 05:04 PM : How about it...

How about it readers, do you have a question, a problem, or something you want to discuss but never got around to asking your own Dad? I am here for you, all you have to do is write to me. I check this blog daily, and I promise to get right back to you.

Take care,

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Apr 21, 2008 at 09:04 PM : Dear Dad,...

Dear Dad,

I am a mother of three children (not toddlers). My husband is a good father but he doesn't always present the best example for our sons. I expect my sons to learn how to take care of the yard and take responsibility when they’ve made a mistake. My husband should be a Christian example, the father of our household, and other things. I am concerned that no matter what I try to teach them, our sons will grow up and mirror their dad, as boys seem to look to their father as their main example in life. I have tried talking to my husband about how our sons will mimic his actions (or lack of action), but he doesn't seem to get it. What can I do?
Frustrated

Apr 21, 2008 at 09:04 PM : Dear...

Dear Frustrated,

We live in a generation that places a high value on education and careers. Men spend years preparing and training to improve our job skills, yet many men enter fatherhood with little or no training at all. We have to learn as we go. Your husband is probably doing the best he knows how. In past generations, dads had the benefit of other male role models like their own fathers, uncles and friends of the family. If it is possible, encourage your husband to talk with other men that will give him good advice and help him to be more involved in a positive way. You can encourage him and praise him when he does the right things. Men respond to positive motivation. Don’t criticize him, but support him. Thoughts of failure and inadequacy may cause him to give up, leave, become overbearing from trying too hard, or develop a passive attitude and fade into the background of your children’s lives. Don’t wait for your husband to assume his leadership role. Get your husband’s support you if you have to be the temporarily “authority” figure to your sons. I would also suggest counseling from your pastor or a family counselor. Your boys need both parents working together with common goals. Don’t give up on your sons or your husband.
Take care,
Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Apr 21, 2008 at 09:04 PM : This is quickly...

This is quickly becoming a favorite column here in the Northwest. I just love reading your advice, Dad. :)

*hugs*

Dana

May 3, 2008 at 08:05 AM : Dear Readers, Since I...

Dear Readers,

Since I didn’t receive any questions this week, I thought I would take this opportunity to discuss something with you that has been on my mind. As parents, we have to be more involved in our children’s education. We are too quick to blame the teacher or the school system for the poor grades our children are getting. Ask yourself this question, what are

YOU

doing at home to help your child get the most out of his or her education?

Here are some suggestions:

1. After school, let your child play for an hour. They need the break and they need the exercise.

2. Have them do their homework at the kitchen table. This helps keep the child focused on their homework and helps you be available for questions.

3. Keep the TV, radio and other distractions off during homework time.

4. Once the homework is done, go over it with your child and make sure there are no errors and it is understood.

5. Schedule meetings with your child’s teacher or keep in contact via email. Work together with the teacher. If time permits, volunteer to help out in the classroom.

6. Praise and encourage your child to do the best he or she can in school. Children love our support and admiration, and they will work hard to get it.

7. Dads, you get involved too. You may be better in one subject than mom, and your involvement will show your child that you both care.

8. When in the car, pop in a book on tape instead of a DVD movie. You can pause the tape to discuss the book and what is going on.

May 18, 2008 at 02:05 PM : Hey, Dad. Here's...

Hey, Dad.

Here's one for you. The other day I asked my 13-year-old son to do a simple chore and he responded in a rude and disrespectful manner. I was admonishing him (not yelling) for his disrespect when my husband walked in, told me to leave him alone and that I was making too much of nothing - even though he had not heard my son's comments. We then argued while our son went on about his business, chore undone.

This is becoming commonplace in our househole - I am now NEVER able to correct my son without my husband's interferrence - forget about support. My son is figuring out he can divide and conquer, but no matter how much I plead with my husband, he will not set boundaries for our son, no support me when I try to.

What to do?

May 19, 2008 at 07:05 PM : Dear Chatterbox,...

Dear Chatterbox,

You have two problems, and both of them are males. Your husband is trying to show his love for his son by taking his side, but without a careful balance of love and discipline, the outcome for your son will be disastrous. I sense you already know that you and your husband need to work together as a team, so I hope that you both will get some family counseling. Children have it in their hearts to be in control and to manipulate their environment for their selfish purposes. You both need to recognize that children are the enemy! You need to discuss your differences with your husband behind closed doors and then come out as a unified force to conquer the enemy.

If that does not work, fear not, you hold more power over them than you may think. First off, you need to get their attention. If you can, stop doing your chores and see how long it takes for them to notice. When your males realize that they don’t have any clean clothes or food on the table, they are going to ask, “Why?” This will be your chance to explain to them that, for a house to operate efficiently, everybody needs to do their part. Tell your son if he refuses to do his part, then you don’t have to do yours.

If not doing your chores doesn’t work, then cut off your son’s allowance and pay yourself for doing his work. If I don’t mow my own lawn, then I have to pay someone else to do it. That is just the way things work in this life.

If your son doesn’t get an allowance, then turn off the TV, computer, or remove some type of privilege that he has. If your husband interferes, then you have to bring out the big guns. Calmly walk away and return with a set of sheets and his pillow and drop them on the couch. I will guarantee you, he will get the point.

Be firm and do what you know is right. Your son will respect you for it later. You’re a good mom.

Take care,
Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Jun 11, 2008 at 04:06 PM : "Hi, I read...

"Hi, I read your recent article and it hit home. I divorced my husband because of lack of respect, and just today, "I was told I would never get his respect." Of course, there's more to this story. My question is, are there any single or divorced parenting groups available in Bakersfield besides those affiliated with churches?

Thank you,

“Troubled Mom"

Jun 11, 2008 at 04:06 PM : Dear Troubled Mom,...

Dear Troubled Mom,

A good marriage has to be built upon respect for it to last. Respect must be earned and maintained. When someone makes a mistake, we have to allow that person the opportunity to rebuild that respect for the relationship to recover. It takes time and, if needed, some counseling. I spent several hours on the phone trying to find a parent support group for you and to my surprise, I could only find one. But one may be all it takes. Please contact the Asgard Counseling Center at 661-205-1522. Their address is in the phone book. You said you didn’t prefer a church group, but if the Asgard Counseling Center doesn’t work out for you, please reconsider a local church group. Your kids are worth exploring every option that you have.

Good luck,

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Jun 13, 2008 at 02:06 PM : Hey Dad, My...

Hey Dad,

My oldest son came home today wearing his pants halfway down his butt. Needless to say we got into a big argument about it. My son says that all the guys do it. I told him it looks tacky but he insists it makes him look cool. What would you suggest I do about it? Is this a battle worth fighting?

Call me Confused.

Jun 14, 2008 at 08:06 AM : Dear Confused,...

Dear Confused,

This is really going to date me, but when I was a teenager in the 60’s, I remember there was a big fuss about long hair on boys. Every young man wanted long hair like the Beatles and other rock stars of the day. But you know what, we all survived it. What you described is called “sagging” and it is the current fashion fad. Sagging got started in our prison system thanks to ill-fitting prison clothing. Belts were not allowed because lifeless bodies were often found hanging from them. It is unfortunate that young men choose to model themselves after prison inmates and “gansta” rap artists instead of famous athletes, or other upstanding role models. Some boys need to feel accepted by their peers and this is one way they can achieve it. Perhaps if you discuss with your son how sagging got started, maybe he will change his attitude. Don’t go to war over it because eventually the pants will go up as he enters the work force or goes off to college. Love your son, support him, and try to look past the sagging pants. Your relationship with your son is more important than any debate about fashion.

Take care,

Dad

“Hey, Dad” is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Jun 15, 2008 at 08:06 AM : Happy Father's...

Happy Father's Day, Dad. :) My own dad is gone... so I will wish you a happy day. Thank you for all the good advice.

~D.

Jun 16, 2008 at 02:06 PM : Thank you...

Thank you Dana, that was very nice of you. I know you made your Dad very proud. I love helping people and "Hey, Dad" is a fun way to do it. Thanks you so much for making it happen. Have a great week.

Dad

Jun 18, 2008 at 12:06 AM : Hi, I have ran across...

Hi, I have ran across your advice column looking for some parent support groups . I have 2 teenagers one son one daughter and a 9yr old son. I have had so many issues this yr with mostly my oldest son that it would take me all nite. Drugs and lots of behavior problems. I would love some help finding a parent support group or even some parenting classes . I really need any help I can get. Thank you , feeling hopeless

Jun 18, 2008 at 07:06 PM : ...

Dear Feeling Hopeless,

Don’t give up yet, there is help out there. A quick check of the AT&T Yellow Pages found 4 listings under Counseling Services. You should also try the Asgard Counseling Center and the Kern County Mental Health Services. Contact some local churches to see if they offer couseling. The "Big Brothers" group might be able to help as well. I also recommend the following books, Dare to Discipline and Love Must Be Tough, both by Dr. James Dobson, as well as Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.

If you don’t mind, just a few helpful pointers. Set reasonable boundaries, don’t back down or let your son intimidate you. Children will always push to see where the boundaries are and if you keep changing them, they will continue to push even harder. Are there any uncles or other male figures that your son respects? If so, perhaps they can help out. I can tell you love your children very much, so please keep trying to find help.

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Jun 20, 2008 at 03:06 AM : Dear Dad, I have a...

Dear Dad,

I have a five year old that can be the sweetest thing and turn around and grow horns right before my eyes. He was diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Before I had him, I would have called a child like him spoiled rotten in need of a ROD. We have tried the ROD, time outs, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, you name it-we've tried it. Yet, he continues to be head strong and overly defiant (at times it is better). The main problem is he generally does this in social situations.

A perfect example is, we were at a Dodger game and he proceeded to disagree with what I asked him to do. I asked him once again and he said "NO". I was getting ready to take him to the bathroom and take care of the situation when the problem got even worse. A man in front of us turned around and asked "Is that your mother? You need to listen to her." He proceeded to yell in the gentleman's face "Be quite!". I took him to the restroom and talked, prayed, and paddled. Do you have any other suggestions or strategies to help us all. I love him dearly but he is going to drive me loony.

Please HELP, Almost Loony

Jun 22, 2008 at 01:06 PM : Dear Almost Loony,...

Dear Almost Loony,

ODD, that is a new one for me. Back in my day, a strong father figure would have been in order, but something tells me you need to look deeper. Talk to your son’s pediatrician about this behavior problem. He may have some physical or chemical imbalance issues. I also recommend the following books, Dare to Discipline and Love Must Be Tough, both by Dr. James Dobson, and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.

The Internet is great for information. In my search I found the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry and Web MD. Read what they have to say, go to: www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

And also read www.webmd.com/mental-health/oppositional-defiant-disorder.

Someone once said this about children, “It is Us against Them.” Don’t give up and give in to him. Stay focused, and don’t give meaningless warnings. I see parents all the time giving children “until the count of 10” to stop doing something. That just tells the kid he has 9 more counts before you may, or may not, make him stop. Be prepared to leave the game, the store, or wherever you are to return home if he misbehaves. Constancy is the key. He needs to know that you will act if his behavior doesn’t change. I wish you the best; you are a caring parent.

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Aug 1, 2008 at 03:08 PM : Dear Dad,...

Dear Dad,

I am a single middle aged female with a boyfriend in another state. We have been keeping in touch via email and phone calls for several years now. We have a good relationship going, but lately it seems that he has stopped paying attention to me. There are times when I don’t hear from him for weeks at a time. He does have a lot of responsibility that keeps him busy, but the lack of communication makes me feel unloved, undesirable and not important. What can I say or do to get him to communicate with me more?

Upset girlfriend

Aug 2, 2008 at 09:08 AM : Dear Upset Girlfriend,...

Dear Upset Girlfriend,

A long distance relationship is hard to maintain. It takes a solid foundation (time spent together) for it to survive both distance and time, otherwise you end up with a pen pal. I gather both of you are locked into your jobs or locations, and being near each other is not possible at this time.

Your boyfriend’s lack of communication could be because he is busy, or he is losing interest in this long distance relationship. You need to talk to him and ask him how he feels about you. Tell him how you feel and what you need from him so you feel loved and secure in this relationship. Guys are not eager to discuss their feelings so this could be hard. If you want this relationship to grow, one of you needs to move closer or use up a ton of frequent flyer miles. Otherwise you are both wasting your time.

You deserve to be happy and enjoy a lasting relationship. I am just not sure this guy in this situation is a good combination. Matters of the heart are always difficult, I wish you the best and hope you find love and happiness.

Take care,

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Sep 15, 2008 at 08:09 PM : Hey Dad, My son...

Hey Dad,

My son came home from school today and told me he is being picked on and was punched by another boy in his class. I have always taught my kids that violence is not the answer, but I am loosing my patience with this bully. I have talked with the teacher, but she says she can’t watch them every second of the day. I don’t want my son hurt anymore, but what else can I do?

Protective Mom

Sep 16, 2008 at 03:09 PM : Dear Protective,...

Dear Protective,

You are correct that violence is not the answer, but sometimes it is the only option left. You need to teach your son to stand up for himself. This is what I suggest you do. Contact the parents of the boy that is bothering your son. Ask them to talk to their son and try to get him to stop bothering your son. If that fails to bring peace, then go to the principal and tell him or her about the problem. Advise the principal of your talk with the parents and that if the violence against your son doesn’t stop, you are giving your son the right to defend himself. I remember when I was a boy there were two neighbor boys who wanted to beat me up for no reason. My mom stepped in and said, “All right, if you want to fight, then you will do it right here in my front yard so I can make sure it is a fair fight.” I had just gotten over being sick with rheumatic fever so I was not strong enough to fight, so my little brother stepped up and cleaned their clocks! We all became friends after that and I never had a problem with them again. In fact, when I confronted other bullies in my lifetime, the result was always the same. They all ended up respecting me and we became friends. I hope you get the same results.

Dear readers, have a question or a comment? Click on the "Hey, Dad" icon on the northwestvoice.com web page and become a part of the North West Voice family. You can remain anonymous if you would like. I hope to hear from you soon.

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Sep 27, 2008 at 09:09 AM : Hey Dad, My dad...

Hey Dad,

My dad died two years ago and I miss him a lot. I never really knew how much I loved him until he was gone. I could always count on his wisdom anytime I wanted. Now I have a problem with my wife of 5 years and I don’t know who to talk to, so I hope you can help me. My dear wife is having problems at her job. One of her co-workers is spreading rumors and lies about her. I tried to tell her what to do but she and I ended up in a big fight. How can I get her to take my advice to resolve this problem?

Confused husband

Sep 27, 2008 at 11:09 AM : Dear Confused husband,...

Dear Confused husband,

I feel your pain my friend, I feel your pain. This is a problem every married man faces from time to time. It boils down to the differences between men and women. Men like to fix things and move on to the next problem, while women like to talk things through until they resolve it in their minds. Think back, your wife probably never asked you to fix it for her, she just wanted to talk about it in an effort to get it off her chest. Women seldom want men to fix things in their emotional lives, just thing like the car, the plumbing, and so forth. What you should do is help her think this problem through. Ask questions along the way to help her talk about it. Tell her you will support her in whatever decision she makes. So go out and buy her some flowers, and when you two are alone together give her your time and listen. We were born with two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk.

Good luck,
Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Nov 11, 2008 at 05:11 PM : Murphy 1951, Taking...

Murphy 1951,

Taking the wife out to dinner should be a weekly event. We have to keep the romance alive and a regular "Date Night" is a big part of it. Flowers or a ballon bouquet will also top the evening off nicely. Thanks for the post Murphy.

Nov 11, 2008 at 07:11 PM : Hey, Dad... can you...

Hey, Dad... can you talk to my husband, or maybe give him the number to a florist? Haha! I haven't received flowers in ... I can't remember the last time. A balloon bouquet? No wonder you've been married so many years! You should write a book. :)

Nov 12, 2008 at 04:11 PM : You know flowers...

You know flowers don't have to be fancy or from an expensive store, it really is the thought that counts. Guys, our ladies like to know they are special. Flowers or a balloon bouquet or a small gift is a simple way to express your love to your special lady. The small price you pay making her happy pays big dividends. For you guys reading this, make plans to at least once a month stop by the grocery store or florist and pick up something nice for your wife or girl friend. If I can do it, you guys can do it. For you guys who have a wife AND a girlfriend are already in trouble and this is not going to help you out. If money is a problem, do something around the house for her like fixing her breakfast, giving her a neck rub, or watching the kids so she can have a day off. Cleaning up after yourself would probably help too. The bottom line is you need to keep dating your wife, even if it has been 31 years. Do what you used to do for her when you were still dating. This will keep the love you two have for each other going strong.