http://www.bakersfieldvoice.com/home/Blog/heatherijames/26538 It was a tough day.&nbsp; One calamity after another, begot one breakdown after another.&nbsp;&nbsp;Near the end of the day,&nbsp;&nbsp;I walked in the door to our house&nbsp;and saw a note left by my husband:&nbsp;I haven&rsquo;t collected the sample yet.&nbsp;You&rsquo;ll have to do it. What sample you ask?&nbsp;A stool sample from Ethan.&nbsp;He had been having stomach problems over the last week and the doctor ordered a stool sample.&nbsp;I had picked up the kit from the lab the previous day and was praying that Ethan&rsquo;s crowning moment of the day (no pun intended) would occur on Daddy&rsquo;s watch, not mine.&nbsp;But alas, today was my tough day.&nbsp;In anticipation of this eventual moment, I tried to pontificate, how does one collect a stool sample?&nbsp;I mean, there have been times in my past where my own doctors have requested a stool sample from me; specifically, the time I came back from Mexico still feeling ill after I ate an uncharacteristically warm mango on a stick from a beach vendor when I was in my early twenties.&nbsp;What can I say?&nbsp;When you&rsquo;re young and your metabolism is still fast enough to wear an itsy bitsy bikini, you don&rsquo;t worry about much, least alone what you put in your body.&nbsp;At any rate, my doctor asked for a stool sample but the sheer thought of fishing in the toilet for my own poopy made me want to take my chances of getting better without knowing exactly why I was sick to begin with.&nbsp; But, as all parents already know, what we won&rsquo;t do for ourselves, we will do for our children if the need arises.&nbsp;So, back to the sample.&nbsp;It was nearing two o&rsquo;clock and I had finally come up with my best idea on how to receive Ethan&rsquo;s not so tiny turds.&nbsp;A paper plate held in the bowl by yours truly while Ethan did his business.&nbsp;At exactly 4:07 p.m., Ethan ran up to me and said he had to go poop.&nbsp;As I positioned the plate in the toilet and told Ethan to sit on the seat and go, he said, &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t want to poop on a plate!&nbsp;We eat on plates!&nbsp;I&rsquo;m not hungry!&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;Do it!&rdquo; I commanded.&nbsp;&ldquo;This is not for food, it&rsquo;s for the doctor.&rdquo;&nbsp;He was a trooper and laid what he called &ldquo;a snake&rdquo; on the plate and I quickly ushered him out of the bathroom and locked the door behind him.&nbsp;I didn&rsquo;t want him to witness mommy playing with a plate of poop and giving him a whole new set of ideas of what can be done with his feces.&nbsp;I put on an industrially thick face mask to block the smell and started to open the containers the lab gave me to store the samples in.&nbsp;Thinking the mask would protect me from the smell, I accidentally got too close to the plate o&rsquo; poopy during collection and got a good whiff of Ethan&rsquo;s &ldquo;snake&rdquo;.&nbsp;I quickly stood up straight and saw my eyes starting to water in my reflection in the bathroom mirror.&nbsp;Yup, crap still manages to smell like crap, even with a mask on.&nbsp; Now, with my face a good distance away from the plate, I began to divide the sample between three different containers.&nbsp;Each container was sealed with a lid that had a miniature spork attached to the bottom of it.&nbsp;That&rsquo;s right, a spork.&nbsp;And it was when I was staring at that little poop smeared spork, I figured my day couldn&rsquo;t get any worse.&nbsp;To know that the powers that be, in their infinite wisdom, have decided a spork was the perfect instrument for school lunches and stool samples alike, and that I, myself, was seeing the rational behind providing sporks for this very purpose, I realized I was engulfed in a world I didn&rsquo;t want to know anything about and had finally given up on my day getting any better. But, God&rsquo;s grace can sometimes be found in His humor.&nbsp;As I was driving down to the lab to drop off the sample, I miraculously began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.&nbsp;Yeah, my day had gotten the best of me but the thought of the lab staff handling the sample after I dropped it off made me smile.&nbsp;As an attorney by trade I definitely have to peddle a lot of crap during the day but, at least, I don&rsquo;t actually have to sift through it for a living.&nbsp;And with that realization, I could end my day on a higher note.&nbsp;I had passed the poop forward.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; It was a tough day.&nbsp; One calamity after another, begot one breakdown after another.&nbsp;&nbsp;Near the end of the day,&nbsp;&nbsp;I walked in the door to our house&nbsp;and saw a note left by my husband:&nbsp;I haven&rsquo;t collected the sample yet.&nbsp;You&rsquo;ll have to do it. What sample you ask?&nbsp;A stool sample from Ethan.&nbsp;He had been having stomach problems over the last week and the doctor ordered a stool sample.&nbsp;I had picked up the kit from the lab the previous day and was praying that Ethan&rsquo;s crowning moment of the day (no pun intended) would occur on Daddy&rsquo;s watch, not mine.&nbsp;But alas, today was my tough day.&nbsp;In anticipation of this eventual moment, I tried to pontificate, how does one collect a stool sample?&nbsp;I mean, there have been times in my past where my own doctors have requested a stool sample from me; specifically, the time I came back from Mexico still feeling ill after I ate an uncharacteristically warm mango on a stick from a beach vendor when I was in my early twenties.&nbsp;What can I say?&nbsp;When you&rsquo;re young and your metabolism is still fast enough to wear an itsy bitsy bikini, you don&rsquo;t worry about much, least alone what you put in your body.&nbsp;At any rate, my doctor asked for a stool sample but the sheer thought of fishing in the toilet for my own poopy made me want to take my chances of getting better without knowing exactly why I was sick to begin with.&nbsp; But, as all parents already know, what we won&rsquo;t do for ourselves, we will do for our children if the need arises.&nbsp;So, back to the sample.&nbsp;It was nearing two o&rsquo;clock and I had finally come up with my best idea on how to receive Ethan&rsquo;s not so tiny turds.&nbsp;A paper plate held in the bowl by yours truly while Ethan did his business.&nbsp;At exactly 4:07 p.m., Ethan ran up to me and said he had to go poop.&nbsp;As I positioned the plate in the toilet and told Ethan to sit on the seat and go, he said, &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t want to poop on a plate!&nbsp;We eat on plates!&nbsp;I&rsquo;m not hungry!&rdquo;&nbsp; &ldquo;Do it!&rdquo; I commanded.&nbsp;&ldquo;This is not for food, it&rsquo;s for the doctor.&rdquo;&nbsp;He was a trooper and laid what he called &ldquo;a snake&rdquo; on the plate and I quickly ushered him out of the bathroom and locked the door behind him.&nbsp;I didn&rsquo;t want him to witness mommy playing with a plate of poop and giving him a whole new set of ideas of what can be done with his feces.&nbsp;I put on an industrially thick face mask to block the smell and started to open the containers the lab gave me to store the samples in.&nbsp;Thinking the mask would protect me from the smell, I accidentally got too close to the plate o&rsquo; poopy during collection and got a good whiff of Ethan&rsquo;s &ldquo;snake&rdquo;.&nbsp;I quickly stood up straight and saw my eyes starting to water in my reflection in the bathroom mirror.&nbsp;Yup, crap still manages to smell like crap, even with a mask on.&nbsp; Now, with my face a good distance away from the plate, I began to divide the sample between three different containers.&nbsp;Each container was sealed with a lid that had a miniature spork attached to the bottom of it.&nbsp;That&rsquo;s right, a spork.&nbsp;And it was when I was staring at that little poop smeared spork, I figured my day couldn&rsquo;t get any worse.&nbsp;To know that the powers that be, in their infinite wisdom, have decided a spork was the perfect instrument for school lunches and stool samples alike, and that I, myself, was seeing the rational behind providing sporks for this very purpose, I realized I was engulfed in a world I didn&rsquo;t want to know anything about and had finally given up on my day getting any better. But, God&rsquo;s grace can sometimes be found in His humor.&nbsp;As I was driving down to the lab to drop off the sample, I miraculously began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.&nbsp;Yeah, my day had gotten the best of me but the thought of the lab staff handling the sample after I dropped it off made me smile.&nbsp;As an attorney by trade I definitely have to peddle a lot of crap during the day but, at least, I don&rsquo;t actually have to sift through it for a living.&nbsp;And with that realization, I could end my day on a higher note.&nbsp;I had passed the poop forward.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; en-us Mon, 12 May 2008 21:23:17 PDT <p>Thanks for a late night laugh.  That was great.</p> http://www.bakersfieldvoice.com/home/Blog/heatherijames/26538/#c_237226 http://www.bakersfieldvoice.com/home/Blog/heatherijames/26538/#c_237226 <p>Thanks for a late night laugh.  That was great.</p> <p>i&nbsp;~ &nbsp;I wish I would have read this last night!&nbsp; After the day I had, I truly needed this laugh.&nbsp; My, but you have a way with words!! This was my favorite part: &quot;Yup, crap still manages to smell like crap, even with a mask on.&quot;&nbsp; I thought I would die laughing.&nbsp; I would love to publish this one, but I better get permission first.&nbsp; HAHA!!!</p> http://www.bakersfieldvoice.com/home/Blog/heatherijames/26538/#c_237364 http://www.bakersfieldvoice.com/home/Blog/heatherijames/26538/#c_237364 <p>i&nbsp;~ &nbsp;I wish I would have read this last night!&nbsp; After the day I had, I truly needed this laugh.&nbsp; My, but you have a way with words!! This was my favorite part: &quot;Yup, crap still manages to smell like crap, even with a mask on.&quot;&nbsp; I thought I would die laughing.&nbsp; I would love to publish this one, but I better get permission first.&nbsp; HAHA!!!</p>